


In My Heart

by AgentSparrow



Category: 2P Hetalia - Fandom
Genre: M/M, Mentions of Rape, serious angst, you will probably cry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-17
Updated: 2015-11-17
Packaged: 2018-05-02 04:07:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5233478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AgentSparrow/pseuds/AgentSparrow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Oliver and Lutz - they've had their ups and their downs, but this is the lowest they've ever been. Lutz has done something dreadful. He doesn't know how to protect his beloved from himself. Oliver is trying to be the mature one, keep it together, make it work but - <br/>some things just don't fix themselves.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In My Heart

“I can’t explain why I still love you. I wish you would stop asking, because it’s almost a silly question. You’re perfect to me, and god damnit, stop making that pained face. You’re wonderful.”

Oliver saw that Lutz’s body was coiling tighter and tighter. He was a rubber band, stretched to his limits, about to snap. Snap back against himself, most likely. He had always had that self penance frame of mind. 

“I – I did much more than just hurt you.” Lutz’s voice threatened to crack. “I’m going to leave you now, while it’s still safe for – “ 

“No!” Oliver pushed himself into his lap, gripping Lutz’s arms with strength that belied his size. “I refuse.”

“Would you just take no for answer, for once?” His voice did crack now, breaking into two hollow pieces. They sat on the floor, bleeding and crying. 

“No.” Oliver swallowed the sick bile rising in his throat. “This is my turn not to take no for an answer. You had your turn two nights ago.”

Lutz closed his eyes. He absorbed the emotional punch, took it as part of his punishment. He pulled in a deep breath, ignoring the way it felt as if he was pulling against thousands of pounds. “Fine.” The word escaped after what seemed like hours of tasting it on the tip of his tongue. 

“I forgive you for what you did, alright?” Oliver held his hand over his eyes, trying to block the movie that was projected against the back of his eyelids. 

Lutz pushing him against the wall, breath thick and fetid with alcohol. His large, usually loving hands rough and fumbling. “I forgive you and I don’t hate you and please just try and understand.”

“I do understand.” Lutz dug his fingers into the arm of the couch, afraid that he would bruise his little Ollie even more if he tried to hug him. “I understand that I fucked it up, I hurt you – “

“Lutz please don’t – “

“I fucking raped you, so don’t you try and tell me everything’s alright now. You better not fucking tell me that because it’s not fucking alright.” Lutz knew he was speaking just a little too loud now, but he had forgotten how to control himself in more ways than one. “It’s not fucking – “

“Shut up! Just shut up!” Oliver put his hands over Lutz’s mouth, forcing him to be quiet. “You listen, alright? Just listen until I’m done making my god damn speech and then you can tell me about how you think you’re a terrible person!” 

Lutz didn’t submit per se. He kept his mouth shut, but his eyes still blazed with self focused fury. 

“God, I’m swearing, aren’t I?” Ollie smiled sheepishly, running one of his hands through his already hopelessly messy hair. “Alright. I am going to take my hand off of your mouth now.”

Lutz was starting to hate the word self control. It mocked him, spat on him, from the back of his mind. Oh, he would definitely be using self control from now on. He wouldn’t interrupt Ollie, he would be a good little boy. 

But he was definitely going to use his lovely little word to get his sorry ass out of town. There was no way he was going to let himself do anything like that to Ollie again. He wouldn’t let himself get the chance. 

“Lutz, I know exactly what you’re thinking.” 

Lutz was only slightly intimidated by that. 

“You want to get out of town, you want to leave and never come back, don’t you? You want to try and save me from yourself, you want to try and keep me safe from you. You figure if you’ve done it once, then you’ll do it again. You don’t see any hope for yourself, so you’re going to hide.” Oliver’s large blue eyes had a veneer, a thin shield of strength over them. 

Lutz decided that not responding would be his best option. 

“And I am now going to tell you that you’re stupid as hell.” Ollie’s eyes watered slightly, but he wasn’t going to allow himself the relief of crying. Not yet. He had to finish, be the responsible one, at the very least communicate what it was that he wanted to say. He had to get his thoughts out. He wasn’t going to let two whole days of mental speech composing go to waste. 

“Running away is the worst way to fix your problems for multiple reasons. The first of which being that when you leave the kitchen in a mess, it doesn’t matter how far you run, there’s still a mess when you get back. Or, at the very least, and angry mother. And don’t say that you wouldn’t come back, because they always come back. Sometimes I make them, but nevertheless.” He coughed. 

Lutz blinked. Had Ollie seriously just used a baking analogy to explain why he was about to fuck everything up even more?

“Even more so…” Ollie choked back the lump in his throat. “I don’t want you to leave me. I don’t want to be alone again.” 

Lutz decided the new plan of action was to look down hard at his hands. That way, he wouldn’t have to meet the heartbreakingly honest eyes of the man he loved most. That way the insignificant water pooling in his own eyes would have a chance to fuck the hell off. 

“Lutz, you are wonderful. You are strong and powerful and perfect. What you did, what happened – “ Oliver’s voice did crack this time. He clenched his shaking hands. He could finish this. He would and he could get through this. “It was just as much your fault as it was mine.”

“That’s a lie and you know it.” Lutz closed his eyes, and shut off his heart. 

“Lutz I need you. We can fix it. That was alcohol, not you – “

“Don’t you fucking get it?” Lutz’s hands snapped up from the obvious dents that they had pried into the couch. “Alcohol exaggerates the man that’s already there, alright? You’ve seen me now, in plain sight, nothing there but how terrible I can be.”

“Everybody can do terrible things Lutz. Even the kindest man in the world has the capability to hurt someone. You can move on, or forget what happened, but don’t drown in guilt, whatever you do. That helps no one, least of all you.” 

“I can’t do this. I’m going to – “Lutz tried not to think about how pleased he had been with himself that night. Oliver was laying next to him on the bed, shivering and panting. He had been so proud of himself. He had made both of them orgasm. That was an accomplishment, right?

Ha. 

“You’re not going to hurt me like that again.” Oliver kissed his forehead gently. He prayed that his words were working. “I love you.” 

“I – “ Lutz’s rubber band snapped. He grabbed Ollie around the waist, kissed him much harder than was comfortable for both of them. He pushed Ollie off of him and onto the couch. “I – “ 

“I’ll come after you.” Oliver said, groping for something to make him stay. He knew Lutz’s instinct would be to run, he had to try and stop that. He couldn’t let him go. 

“Don’t waste your time.” Lutz yanked on his leather jacket. He had to get out, before his heart broke. Or, before his heart broke beyond what he could control. 

Control. 

“I’ll do it because I love you!”Oliver stood up, fists clenched at his skinny side. He was not going to lose this one. This was a battle he couldn’t bear to lose. He loved Lutz, he wasn’t going to let him go. 

Lutz knew he had to say it. If he didn’t say it, Ollie would come after him. Ollie would get himself hurt, blindly following him everywhere. 

Stupid Ollie. Stupid, trusting Ollie. 

He had to say it. It was the only way. It would hurt Ollie, probably break his heart, but it was the only way to keep him safe. 

Lutz ignored the way it felt like his heart was bleeding out onto the floor. “I don’t love you. I don’t know if I ever did.”

Ollie froze, eyes wide in pained surprise. That – that couldn’t be. He’d take it back now, just like the rest of his silly, funny little jokes. “You – what?” 

Lutz could see the way Ollie’s eyes broke at the seams. He could see the way his whole body seemed to tremble, waiting, yearning for him to unsay it. 

“I don’t.” Lutz knew he would never forget the way Ollie looked at him, broken and stomped on and hadn’t he promised himself he wouldn’t be Ollie’s next heartbreak? He had promised! 

Lutz left before he could fully understand what he had just done. 

Oliver remained frozen, standing in the middle of his living room, waiting for someone to pause the show and rewind. This was not the end. This could not be the end. 

He curled up on the floor, crossing his arms over his chest. This wasn’t happening. His speech was supposed to work. 

Oliver closed his eyes, breath rattling in his hollow chest. He couldn’t stop it. He couldn’t Stop Lutz from taking off his clothes. He couldn’t stop Lutz from leaving. 

He supposed he might have been able to stop Lutz from overpowering him. If he had put a little less faith in his ability to talk and a little more faith in his knife, while he had still been able to get it. He could have stopped this whole fiasco from happening. 

Oliver stayed curled up on the floor until very late that night, when he dragged himself to bed. 

He didn’t ever really fall asleep. He stayed awake nearly all night, asking himself the same question, over and over and over. 

Did he really mean it? 

Did Lutz really not love him? 

 

~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~

 

Oliver stared at the sheet of paper that lay on the desk in front of him, chin propped up on one hand. He blinked lethargically, sighing.   
They really needed to find a way to make world meetings more interesting. Seriously. The senseless fighting was getting old. 

“And last, but not least, we need to talk about – “ 

Oliver looked around the table. Allen was still missing after he had left ‘to take a piss’ an hour ago. He had decided it wasn’t worth the effort to chase him down. It wasn’t like they were talking about anything productive anyway. Genocide statistics, dirty war tactics, and political agendas were some of the least interesting venues of discussion that this meeting had to offer. It wasn’t like Oliver took delight in torturing his children. 

Lutz’s seat was also empty. He hadn’t been to a world meeting in two months. 

Oliver was relatively proud to say that he was living well without Lutz. Sure, it had taken him a long time to get back into his old groove, but he had done it.

Eventually. 

He had even met another man, who definitely didn’t look at all like Lutz in any way. Sure, he wasn’t as nice, but he was interested in Ollie, at least. The thought made him feel better, even if he knew he would never say yes to this new man, not in a million years. He was too – too – not like Lutz. 

It was pathetic, Ollie knew, but still. Having had someone so kind – even if it was a lie – he couldn’t go back to his old strings of abusive breakups. He wanted someone who would take care of him, for real this time. 

Kuro elbowed him gently in the ribs. “Are you still awake?”

“Are my eyes open?”Oliver was not in the mood to play the seduction game. He had had enough countries hitting on him last world meeting, when everyone realized that Lutz had left him. 

Kuro took the hint, settling back into his seat. 

Oliver closed his eyes. He was alright. Tara and Lucia were being completely honest when they said that he was good as new. 

Right. 

Oliver stood up, gathering his papers. He was done with this crap. If anything important happened, he’d hear about it later. It wasn’t doing him any good sitting here thinking about the past. He should go home, call his new man, maybe even try out that new cupcake recipe he’d been pondering. 

“I’m going to take a smoke.” Ollie figured the excuse would be acceptable, though everyone in the room knew he didn’t smoke. 

He put his papers in his bag, and neatly pushed his chair back in. Finally, he had freedom from this hell hole of planned doom and destruction. Sometimes, he didn’t like being the second player in this game. 

The door to the meeting hall burst open with an ungodly smack. A striking man with broad shoulders and blonde hair stood there awkwardly. He waved sheepishly, wiggling his fingers as every head in the room snapped to attention. Bleary eyes refocused onto the one defector they hadn’t seen in months. 

“Am I late?” Lutz asked cockily. 

Oliver dropped his bag, hands trembling. No fucking way. 

“I’m just gonna – “ He edged out of the doorway, and sauntered around the table, walking as if this was own bedroom. That sexy, self confident, jaunty stride that Ollie knew so, so well. “Alright, stop staring at me now. Go back to your meeting already.” Lutz made a shooing gesture. 

Oliver took a deep breath. He was not going to react. He was not going to react. He was going to pick his bag back up and walk out of there like the strong independent gay man he was. 

He could do this. He had done it for nearly three months now. He could do it know. He had planned for this scenario. All his plans involved being strong and brave.

All his hopes involved falling into the strong, safe arms of his man. 

Oliver crouched, fingers fumbling with the leather strap of his bag. Gosh darn it all – He just had to get emotional and shaky now, didn’t he? 

“Need a little help there?”

Oliver stared at the worn shoes that had stopped in front of him. He didn’t dare look up. “N-no.” He gulped. “I’m fine. On my own.” 

Damnit. He hadn’t meant to say that. 

Ollie clutched the bag to his chest, and stood up slowly. He kept his eyes resolutely glued to the ground. He was not going to break. He was not going to crack. He would steady himself only for a moment, allow his hopes to soar only for a second, then he’d turn, and walk away. 

He wouldn’t look back. 

Lutz had said he didn’t love him. 

“Baby doll?”Lutz kneeled in front of Ollie. He pulled off his ratty beanie and smiled shyly, dirty golden hair obviously un-showered.   
Ollie hunched his shoulders in, and avoided eye contact. No. “Yeah?”

“I lied.” Lutz opened his arms, and Ollie couldn’t help but fall into them. 

Oliver held him tightly, afraid to let go. Finally, the safety, the warmth of being here. In this safe place. Lutz broad chest open and accepting, the sound of his heartbeat a loving, strong rhythm. Tears slipped out of Ollie’s eyes, he couldn’t help them. “You came back to me!” 

“I did. I was kind of a stupid mother fucker.” 

“You were.” Ollie pulled back and slapped Lutz hard across the cheek. What had Lutz been thinking? All he had to do was say he needed time to think! Dummy! “Stupid head! What the hell were you thinking?” 

Lutz blinked, the echo of the slap ringing in his ears. His face stung, though he was too surprised to think about that at the moment.“I was not expecting that.”

“Don’t sass me! Answer the question!”Ollie raised his hand to slap him again, but Lutz grabbed his wrist gently. 

“I – I’m sorry.” Lutz moved his fingers to hesitantly wrap around Ollie’s hand. “I know I broke your heart and shit, and that I was stupid as fuck, and awful and – I really kinda hate myself for what I did to you but – Will you – forgive me – for everything?”

Ollie hiccupped. This was the moment he had dreamed of. It felt like his heart was going to burst. All the sadness that he had stored up in his chest was leaking out of his eyes, but strangely, it didn’t hurt like he assumed it would. It felt – good. “Yes!” He kissed Lutz’s cheek, as if he were kissing better a boo-boo he had not just inflicted. 

“I’m sorry love.” Lutz whispered, cradling Ollie close. “I didn’t – I – I’m going to be better now. I won’t leave you again.” 

“’s alright.” Ollie smiled shyly, wiping his nose on his sleeve. “Are you going to kiss me already?”

Lutz reverently took Oliver’s face in his hands. He smiled a little, ever the dork, and kissed him, slowly at first. 

Neither of them noticed when the room applauded sarcastically. Neither of them cared when they were hooted at. 

Lutz deepened the kiss, pulling him even closer. 

“I love you.” Lutz whispered into Ollie’s ear as he pulled away. Unfortunately, he had to breathe. 

“I – I thought I hated you but I really don’t.” Ollie sniffed again. He rubbed his eyes. That kiss had been - 

“Does that mean you love me too?”Lutz winked. 

“Yes.” Ollie kissed him on the cheek again, blushing a little. Such a display of affection – in public even! This was so unlike Lutz! 

“Ollie?”

“Yes, love?”

“I promise I will never do that again.”

“What? Leave me or – “

“Both.” Lutz cut him off with a rough kiss. “I’m sticking around. I think I just needed time to think.”

“Then why didn’t you just say so?” Ollie cried, hugging him again. Seriously, was that simple thing really so hard to communicate? 

Lutz stopped for a moment, thinking. “I dunno. I’m kinda stupid.” 

“Stupid head.” Ollie stood kissed him again. “I love you.” 

“I love you too.” 

“Just so you know, Tara, Lucia, and Matt are all going to want to beat you up within inches of death.” 

“I figured as much.” Lutz picked Ollie up bridal style, and kissed him hard. The attention of the room was diverted now, they were just a side show,   
sneaky glances cast their way only occasionally. “Can we not think about that now? I just want to take you home.” 

“Home.” Ollie grinned sneakily. “Yes.” 

They both laughed. 

They laughed even more after a few hours in bed. 

“Lutz?” Ollie asked, his voice muffled by their tent of blankets. It was a little too hot, and a little hard to breathe, but the feeling of absolute safety was   
worth it to him. 

“Yeah?” Lutz gently played with Oliver’s hair, trying to decide if he had another round in him or not. Being with Ollie like this after so long was – beautiful. Like, an orgasm was always an experience but – having the privilege – no, the honor, of even being close to him again was dizzying. He felt like he had been given a million dollars. The world was his. He really could do anything. 

“I really love you. Like a lot. I don’t think that’s ever going to change. I’m not sure if it could change even if I wanted it to. You’re always going to be in my heart.”

Lutz smiled shyly, kissing him reverently. He liked that. It meant a lot to him, not only that Ollie felt the same way as he, but that Ollie was able to put words to what he could not. “I understand.”

“And?”

“And I love you too! Don’t slap me again!”Lutz tickled Oliver’s side teasingly, a low, rumbling laugh filling the small amount of space left in their little   
tent. 

“I am never going to live that down, am I?”Ollie giggled, batting his hand away. Now was not a time for tickling and games! That would just lead into more sex… 

“I kinda deserved it.” Lutz pressed another kiss against his mouth. “Heh, your lips are all dry now.” 

“Shut up you. That’s your fault.” 

Lutz’s laugh persisted for a few more moments, growing warmer. He sighed a little, and nuzzled his cheek into the crook of Ollie’s neck. “You’re in my   
heart.” 

Ollie knew that what had happened to them would always be hard to think about. Who knew, it might never even heal completely. 

But hey, letting someone into the secret place within you – that couldn’t be undone. 

“You’re in my heart too, Love.” Ollie found Lutz’s hand, after a little fumbling. They were in it together now. They had each other’s backs, for better or for worse. “You’re in my heart too.”


End file.
